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In which I hit a new low

May 3, 2012

Fuck. I have been trying to keep it together but of course, today, my mother frustrated me so much that I lost it and ended up yelling and now she is sulking in the kitchen, yes, sulking. Because I “used exasperation” in my tone in dealing with a stupid conversation. She is like a dog with a bone. She gets in there and really gets her teeth into a subject of acute stupidity and won’t let it go.

In this case, the turning point of the case rested on the idea that she needed exacting directions to drive to a certain pharmacy to pick up a prescription I did not ask her to refill. The driving directions, and this is in the days of gps, amounted to “take the exit, then turn left on the next street, which is clearly marked.”

She turned it into such a clusterfuck of idiocy, like, but what lane will I need to be in??? that I finally lost my shit and started sobbing and she was all, well, you’re using exasperation on me and I have trouble navigating your unfrozen cave man roads, so you should be kinder to me.

That she has been to this pharmacy before made no difference. That she can navigate these roads all day long if she’s going to the healing rooms, is of no consequence. I used exasperation, and I think we can all see that that is the major crime, here. My evil failure to acknowledge her intermittently crippling Traffic Anxiety.

And so I am back to my drugs, and she is sulking in the next room because look how much she has done for me and I don’t appreciate it.

Here is the ovoid face today:

20120503-162627.jpg

You want to see what cancer looks like? It looks like that. A stupid argument and a lot of rage and since I can’t get up and grovel in the next room, some frosty silence until She decides to forgive me.

Trust me, this is the ugliest side of the disease, when politeness has been smashed into bits and the real feelings come through. And it is inevitable that they do. And I hate every second of it. Every motherfucking second.

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21 comments

  1. Deep breath… In… And out… Do not allow the feebiosity of another bring you into a place you would rather not be. You owe no apology. Release your anger into the cloud bed and let it dissipate. She will figure out how to drive a car and follow directions all by herself. Til then, just smile and wave, sittin’ there on that sack o’ seeds. I send you love every moment. ~QB


  2. Arrrgggg… I’m so sorry Honey. Sending big hugs across the internet and into your apartment and into your cloud bed. Love love love to you…


    • Thank you! I’m just happy to have you as a friend. You are invaluable.


  3. Oh Violet, I hate it too and am exasperated by her need for a steady subtext of apologetic and complaisant syrup with every conversation, even driving directions. But you are creative and will turn this around. I was even imagining a small stack of flashcards by your side with the words she wants to hear written on them, so that when you are telling her something that she doesn’t get or makes all about her, you can stick to your truth and feelings and flash a card her way that says “you are the best” or “I’m sorry you hurt”–doesn’t matter which one; you don’t have to read it or feel it. Maybe she’ll then see how ridiculous she’s being. Or maybe make a stack for yourself of the things you wish she would say to you, and when she shuffles off to sulk, you can pick one and mediate on that instead. I’ve got nothing to back up these strategies as effective except my wishes for serenity within and around you. You really are the best. You are my hero. xoxo


    • I like this idea a lot. I’ll work on it.


  4. A big hug for you. I know what this kind of mother is like and I think you’ve held up pretty well considering. Jesus. My deepest sympathies. Love to you. xxoo


    • Thanks, miss! It is not that fun to navigate these waters.


      • I can imagine it exactly. She might require the silent treatment. Or just your saying, “I don’t know” over and over until she stops asking you ridiculous questions. It’s not your job to be her MapQuest.


  5. I think you are just beautiful.


    • Kate, the sentiment is returned 100%. I just adore you.


  6. My Darling V… I think Chrissines idea is a wonderful one. Bella, if you are reading this, are you available to make up such ideal flash cards, and soon, with your lovely talent for card making? They could ooze sentiment that would assuage the vanity and feebiosity of one who would read them and end any further discussions at such times when there really are no logical words our girl could or should have to put forth. You could make one that says, “Of course, Mother, :)” or another that reads, “let’s watch Mary Tyler Moore, the one about the waitress!”. Or a pretty one that just says, “Phaque Orf”. What a brilliant idea, Chrissine.

    There should not be one single minute that extra stress should be placed upon you, honey. If this stress from said interloper continues, I will be forced to take matters into my own hands. As you know, I would handle it gently, but handle it, I would.

    Always Yours, QB


    • Thank you, angel. It is better today. But yeah, I don’t need the stress. No one does! I love you one zillion.


  7. wishing i could grab cancer by its skinny ass and choke the living shit out of it…. f_ck cancer and the horse it rode in on. XOXO


  8. Add me to the flash card bandwagon. You could make one with a heart (love) and one with a middle finger in action (Hey! I’m pissed off over here!!). Maybe your Mother will understand it’s OK to feel both emotions, maybe even within the same few minutes.

    All my Love,
    L


  9. Freshhell is right: It’s not your job to be her MapQuest.


  10. I heart the flashcard idea … Maybe we can all send one for your deck! Crazy as it sounds, I think your mommy-o is retreating to the comfort of a pattern. It’s very childlike, but sh’s testing boundaries to see where she stands …”can we still the old bit where I recreationally fret and Turquoise gets annoyed enough to give me the firm hand to calm me down?” Do you still have it to be aggravated and then she can play aggrieved. Crazy making for you, comforting for her, this routine. This doesn’t excuse her but explains why she can’t stop pushing your buttons, even now. As long as you play your part, she knows who she is. I like the flash card idea for transcendence … I’ll make you some two sided jobbies that say “thank you for being so helpful” on one side and “fuuuuuuuuuuuck yooooouuuu” on the other. Pity if you get mixed up. I lurve you 211%!


  11. Definitely flash card time…also earplugs may be in order.


  12. The phrase “you are using exasperation” is both annoying and hilarious. It’s like saying “You are doing schadenfreude”.

    In other news: I think of you often. Love you and miss you madly.


  13. Sending you a virtual hug. Glad to hear things are a little better though this week.



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